


Awake, Dreaming

by azuredragonsleeps



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Multiverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 21:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15228114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azuredragonsleeps/pseuds/azuredragonsleeps
Summary: The thing is, Tony’s got one of the best minds of the century, and he knows it doesn’t make any sense for him to have been having weirdly vivid dreams wherein Captain America dies, when he hadn’t even known what Captain America looked like. He must, he tells himself, have watched an old propaganda film, or seen a photo his dad had, and his subconscious must have latched on.orTony Stark has been dreaming about Steve Rogers all his life. It changes things.





	Awake, Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> I've played very fast and loose with cannon here, and I can only apologise. Un-betad, all mistakes are my own.  
> Warning: there are descriptions of character deaths in this, but it's all in dreams and I promise no one dies for real.

The first time Tony dreams of Steve, he has to watch him die. Tony is only five or six at the time, but the dream sticks in his memory.

It takes place in a small, dingy apartment, where a small blonde-haired boy sits in a battered old chair, coughing. His whole body heaves with it.

“Hey, are you okay?” Tony says, but the boy doesn’t respond. Then the coughing turns to wheezing, and Tony tries to touch him, wanting to offer comfort or-something. His hand passes straight through the boy, whose breathing is getting worse and worse, his lips starting to turn blue.

“Help!” Tony screams, already sensing it won’t work. He has to watch as the boy’s expression turns panicked, as his hands flail before falling still at his side. He has to watch as his breathing becomes shallower and shallower. As it stops.

Tony wakes feeling sick and tries to push the dream out of his head. It doesn’t work as well as he’d like.

*

The second time, the boy is older but looks just as ill, lying in a bed in a room barely big enough to fit it. A woman sits on the edge of it, her hand slowly running through the boy’s hair.

“It’s going to be okay, Steve,” she says quietly. It sounds more like a prayer than a statement.

Steve doesn’t respond and as Tony watches his breathing slows and he begins to slip away.

Tony awakes from this dream more than a little concerned about his subconscious, because making up a boy in his dreams and then repeatedly watching him die probably doesn’t signify anything good.

*

The night before Tony turns twelve, he dreams of Steve, dying of influenza.

*

The dreams come with increasing frequency as Tony grows: he sees Steve die of a chill caught in his apartment, he sees him slip on an icy fire escape and break his neck. He sees seventeen different asthma attacks. They’re more vivid than any of his other dreams, and he can remember them all with disturbing clarity. It’s some kind of torture.

At some point, pretty early on, he realises that he’s dreaming about the past. The clothes are always old fashioned, although Tony couldn’t date them, but every now and then there’s a car in the dream, and Tony can always date those. He assumes his dad’s old war stories and the old pictures of him must have had an even bigger impression on him than he realised.

*

When Tony is fifteen, the pattern breaks. He dreams of Steve, and Steve doesn’t die.

Steve is standing in front of a doctor with his mother beside him, in a small, shabby looking room. His left arm is heavily bandaged and in a sling.

The doctor is saying things like “It’ll never fully recover”and “partial use”, but Tony is only half paying attention because he’s too busy trying to figure out what the threat to Steve’s life is this time.

Then the doctor looks at Steve and gives him a small smile. “Well son, you’ll never be a soldier, but you’ll recover.”

Tony wakes up, bewildered and relieved.

*

After that, his dreams of Steve dying are interspersed with dreams of Steve doing seemingly random things. He dreams of Steve, looking around eighteen, taking on a man twice his size after he made a lewd comment at a passing girl. Steve gets barely one punch in before the man pushes him, hard, and Steve’s head smacks the ground. He doesn’t get back up.

He dreams of Steve, maybe twenty-five, in an army recruitment centre. When he fails his medical exam the recruiter says “Have you considered other war work? There are more ways to serve than on the front line you know.”

*

He knows it’s stupid, because they’re just dreams, but Tony starts to get weirdly attached to Steve. It’s probably just because Tony’s in his early twenties, his parents dead and a whole company on his shoulders and he feels, well, alone. With Steve so often in his dreams that it’s hard not to get invested.

*

He dreams a middle-aged man with a German accent says to a man in an army uniform “I want it to be him.”

The army man frowns and replies “I can’t approve him-we need a real soldier! I’m sorry, but this is an army operation.”

*

He dreams of Steve in a room full of people, some of them scientists, some army, stepping into an odd metal machine. Tony doesn’t know what it does, but he’s not an idiot, he knows experimental tech when he sees it. He wants to scream at Steve not to step anywhere near the machine, but he knows well by now that there’s nothing he can do in his dreams except watch how they play out.

They power up the machine and Steve is screaming, something clearly wrong and Tony has to look away. Only as he does he spots someone he doesn’t expect: his father. He looks young, like in his old photos, and Tony suddenly reassess the room. The machine, the soldiers, his father. Steve. It can’t possibly be…

He wakes, abruptly.

It only takes him a day of searching through his dad’s old things before he finds what he needs. The copy his dad had kept of the project rebirth file. Fingers shaking slightly, he opens it. There’s pages and pages of information, but Tony doesn’t need any of it. Because right there, pinned to the top of the first page, is a picture of Steve.

*

The thing is, Tony’s got one of the best minds of the century, and he knows it doesn’t make any sense for him to have been having weirdly vivid dreams wherein Captain America dies, when he hadn’t even known what Captain America looked like. He must, he tells himself, have watched an old propaganda film, or seen a photo his dad had, and his subconscious must have latched on.

*

He dreams of Steve in what Tony thinks is really a comically large body, sat in a plane. There’s no denying he’s Captain America now, he’s all decked out in an outfit of red, white and blue. He would focus on that more, but the plane appears to be crashing. He knows what’s happening this time, has heard his dad speak of it once, has read the reports. Captain America dies in a plane crash. It had all seemed so distant when he’d read about it as a teenager, but now Tony has to watch as Steve makes plans over the radio that are clearly a goodbye. Tony has to watch as a piece of metal from the breaking plane crushes his head in the crash.

*

When Tony turns thirty, things become really odd. He dreams of Steve standing in front of him in something similar to his Captain America gear, but a little different, like his brain decided to give it an upgrade. The dream feels different from the beginning, and it’s quickly clear why. This time, Tony is a part of things.

Steve says “Big man in a suit of armour. Take that away, what are you?”

Tony feels himself respond, “Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

*

Throughout his thirties, Tony has dreams in which Captain America has come back from the dead. Even weirder, Tony knows him because Tony is a superhero too-in his dreams he flies around in a red and gold suit but with a hole in his chest. He’s called Iron Man. It’s so fantastical it’s ridiculous, but he can’t help feeling a little wistful. In his real life he’s building weapons to keep the company going, to keep Obie happy, but it’s so boring and he’s still so, achingly alone.

*

He dreams of more arguments with Steve than he can count. Steve yells at him for being reckless, for putting others in danger. He dreams that he gives as good as he gets, if not more so.

Sometimes he wants to laugh because even in his crazy dreams about Captain America no one seems to like him.

*

He dreams he’s standing in the suit, with Steve and another suit like his but blue beside him.

Steve says, “Thanks for the assist, Shellhead.” and walks away.

The faceplate of the other suit opens, and Rhodey says. “You should tell him who you are, Tony. He deserves to know.”

“I know he does.” Tony says. “But I can’t.”

*

The dreams become increasingly frequent as he edges towards forty until he’s having them almost every night. Some of them link, but some of them have big differences. In most he’s part of a team of heroes, but the line up changes: Antman, The Wasp, Black Widow, the Hulk, Hawkeye. Sometimes they know he’s Iron man, sometimes they don’t.

Steve is always there. Sometimes they’re close, but it still goes wrong. They fight, or they talk and Tony can feel it going sour, or one of them has hidden something from the other.

He dreams of Steve, shot dead because of Tony, because of his mistakes.

He dreams of Steve saying “I’m sorry Tony, but he’s my friend.”

*

He’s thirty-seven when a he spots a paper on gamma radiation in a science journal that interests him. It’s utterly brilliant work, although almost incomplete, as if the author had left things out they hadn’t been able to fully verify yet. Then Tony reads the author’s name and freezes. Bruce Banner. He’s dreamed of him.

Tony allows himself a full minute to run through the implications of this in his head, before closing the article and deliberately pushing the matter from his mind.

*

Tony wakes in a cave in Afghanistan with a car battery in his chest thinks of all the nights he had dreamt of having a hole in his chest, a small arc reactor working near his heart.

Yinsen says, “Are you going to do something about it?”

Tony thinks of how flying felt in his dreams and gets to work.

*

He doesn’t have time to think about it until he gets home. When he does, it’s almost enough to tip him over the edge. He tries to convince himself that he’d just been inspired by the dreams, that there’s no truth to them, but there’s too much evidence now. He doesn’t know what they are, but they’re something.

The press name him “Iron man” and all he can do is tilt his head back and laugh and laugh.

*

In the months after that, Tony has JARVIS start a file, tells him exactly what to look out for.

He gets an alert when the news breaks about Bruce Banner’s botched experiment. He closes his eyes and just breathes, wishing he couldn’t see the Hulk so clearly.

*

Tony is dying, poisoned by the thing that’s keeping alive. Some irony. He keeps trying to convince himself that his dreams mean he must survive, but he’s seen so many different versions of his life, seen Steve die more times than he can count. He doesn’t think they’re any kind of guarantee.

Then a red headed woman introduces herself as Natalie Rushman, and Tony’s stunned yet again.

Since he knows what to look for, it’s easy to find the holes in her cover. It’s well done, but it’s not perfect. Still, he has memories of her pushing coffee at him in the morning and having his back in battle, so he doesn’t worry too much. He lets her test the suit, lets her observe him and pretends not to know exactly who she works for.

*

When SHIELD tells him they’ve found Captain America, Tony isn’t even surprised. If anything, he’s just…nervous.

He has a memory in his head, of meeting Steve in the midst of a crisis, in his suit. He remembers how well that went.

So he shows up at SHEILD unannounced, and barges his way into Steve’s quarters.

He finds Steve in his expansive but bare room, sat working at something on a computer. Catching up, Tony thinks, distantly.

If Natasha had been a shock this feels like a physical blow. Steve, in front of him, real and alive. He finds he can’t take it in, and he stands there trying to pull himself together as Steve looks up, curious but wary.

“Hi, Cap.” Tony manages, proud of how steady his voice comes out. “I’m Tony Stark. Nice to meet you.”

Steve eyes him. “Mr Stark.” He says, carefully, and Tony can tell he knows who Tony is, has read his file probably. “Is there a reason you’re here?”

In another life, Tony might have taken this badly. In this one, he’s been watching Steve all his life and can read the mix of loneliness and grief that’s behind his curt tone.

“I have something for you.” He says, mildly. He hands over the folder he’d brought with him.

“It’s some pictures my dad had, from way back when, I thought you might like them.”

Steve opens the file and flips through. There are photos from the war in there-Steve and the Howling commandos, Peggy, Howard- but there’s also photos from after-Peggy at forty-five, Dugan and his son.

Steve looks back up at Tony, something a little softer in his eyes now. “Thank you, Mr Stark.” He says, sincerely,

Tony waves a hand. “Tony, please.”

*

The Avengers assemble. It’s hard because Tony has bits and pieces but not the whole puzzle, knows a little of what’s coming but not enough to stop it.

He can barely count how many things are strangely familiar. He says, “Good to meet you, Dr Banner.”, and knows it’s too warm, but he can’t help it.

He doesn’t play well with others, but he’s had so many dreams where he trusts these people that it bleeds through. Steve is maybe a little friendlier than he would have been if Tony hadn’t given him the picture. Tony is definitely better than he would have been if he hadn’t seen Steve small and sick and dying. It’s hard to feel threatened when he’s too busy being grateful that Steve is alive and so desperately curious about him. He’s been dreaming about this man for most of his life, has known him as a friend and as an enemy. He’d really like the chance to know him for real.

*

It still doesn’t happen perfectly, of course. Loki sill manages to unleash the Hulk and Coulson is still stabbed, but this time Steve and Tony don’t need a pack of cards to unite them.

When they win they all go their separate ways, but Tony designs floors.

He convinces Bruce to set up shop in a lab, lets the spies and Thor know the door is open, then asks Steve out to lunch.

*

The thing is, Tony is still just getting to know Steve. He’d known what Steve’s old apartment looked like, knew he stood up to bullies, knew his mother had been Irish. He hadn’t known that Steve likes to draw, that he’ll read almost anything he can get his hands on, that he’s funny.

The Avengers move in-it takes four months, two apocalypse scenarios and one minor skirmish in midtown-and he gets the chance to get to know Steve, for real.

Once, he watches Steve hustle Clint at some new videogame. Steve carefully refuses to take part in a competition between Thor and Clint, protesting that modern technology is far too confusing.

Tony, who has seen Steve figure out a tablet in five minutes flat, is sceptical, but he keeps his mouth shut as Clint offers Steve a risk-free bet. Steve agrees, giving the appearance of reluctance, then proceeds to demolish Clint.

While Clint is open mouthed, Steve grins and says, “I guess I pick it up quicker than I thought.”. Tony laughs aloud.

 

*

It works, the Avengers. They work, as a team in the field but also in the tower. Natasha makes tea obsessively, giving it ritual that Tony can’t see the need for but admits is soothing. Clint breaks everything Tony owns, and Thor falls asleep in all the common spaces.

Steve is fast becoming Tony’s best friend, better in real life than Tony had ever dreamed. They spend time together in his work shop, at cafes, in the common areas. Sometimes Tony has to pull himself back from giving away things he shouldn’t know, but on the whole Tony has never found it this easy to spend time with someone his whole life.

 Still, Tony can’t quite relax. He’s still dreaming of fights gone wrong and Steve dead at his feet. It’s so much worse now that he knows him, and he wakes from those dreams sweaty and terrified. Other nights in his sleep Steve screams at him, and he screams back. That’s almost worst, how easily he could see them falling into that pattern.

He’s careful. He watches Steve’s back in the field almost obsessively, and often when they’re arguing he’ll pull himself back, force himself to look at Steve’s point of view and reach a compromise. He knows just how easily they could fall apart.

*

Tony dreams of Steve’s mouth on his and he doesn’t know if its one of those dreams or his own thought.

*

It takes a while, but the Avengers start to suspect. There’s too many times when Tony and Steve begin an argument only for Tony to stop and deescalate it suddenly, knowing exactly where it will lead. Too many times when Tony knows something about the villain they’re fighting that he shouldn’t.

It comes to a head when they’re all in the kitchen, after a particularly bad mission. Steve was hurt the worst, and even with the serum he’s still bruised and aching. Without thinking about it, Tony heats some milk and adds cinnamon before pouring it into mugs and passing them around.

Steve looks surprised but pleased.

“Thanks Tony,” he says. “This is-”

“Exactly what your mum would make when you were sick.” Tony finishes without thinking, sitting back down at the table.

Steve blinks. “I’m pretty sure I’ve never told you that.”

The room goes very quiet. Tony watches everyone exchange looks and realises suddenly that they’ve talked about it before. Theorised maybe. He runs through a dozen options in his head, then sighs.

“I have these dreams.” He begins, “I think it must be magic, but I’ve never been able to figure it out exactly.”

*

Tony’s expecting it when Steve enters his workshop. He’d told the Avengers everything, and they’d taken it surprisingly well. A promise from Thor that they’ll figure out what magic is involved, and murmured support all around. He supposes it takes a lot to shake them at this point.

Still, it had left Tony feeling exposed, so he’d escaped to the workshop as soon as possible.

Steve walks over to where Tony is standing. A prototype for a new bow lies on the bench in front of him, untouched.

“Go ahead, Steve.” Tony says. “Ask whatever it is you want to know.”

Steve frowns, just a little. “You said you think you’ve been seeing multiple universes.”

Tony nods.

“And you see us fight, sometimes seriously, and sometimes I die?”

Tony nods again, then adds, as if for comfort. “We’re often friends, too. Even in the dreams where we’re enemies, I think we’re still that.”

Steve frowns again. Then he says, “Do we ever do this?” and kisses Tony.

It’s over quickly, Tony barely has time to realise it’s happening before Steve pulls away, wide eyed and looking nervous.

Tony tries to make his brain work again. “What.” He croaks “Was that?”

Steve shrugs, but the effect is ruined by his expression, which doesn’t come anywhere close to the relaxed vibe Tony thinks he was going for.

“I’ve loved you for a while now.” Steve says, a little helplessly. “And I thought-I think-you like me too. But I was scared, and I thought it would maybe work out on it’s own, but-all those things you’ve seen, universes where we fight or-” he stops, takes a breath. “I don’t want us to be like that, Tony.”

“So we won’t be,” Tony replies, and kisses him.

*

Steve and Tony have been a thing for three months when they find her. It’s a tip from Stephen Strange that gets them there, to a small hut in the middle of nowhere in Canada. The witch doesn’t resist. She’s younger than Tony would have thought, dark haired, pale and looking less than twenty-five. Of course, with magic, who knows. Tony really hates magic.

She’s quiet on the quinjet as they take her to SHIELD-she doesn’t deny anything but doesn’t give them anything either. Her eyes track Steve and Tony.

When Steve runs a hand down Tony’s arms and kisses him, quickly, silent reassurance and support, her eyes light up.

“It worked!” she exclaims.

Tony is in front of her in an instant, angry beyond maybe anything he’s ever felt.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

The witch only smiles at him, unintimidated and still looking pleased.

“You had to know,” she says, calmly. “You needed to see all the ways you could lose him, all the ways it might not have happened, all the universes in which he never got to you. I’ve seen so many universes where the two of you didn’t get it right. I showed you, so this wouldn’t be one of them.”

Tony staggers back a little, not knowing what to say to that because he doesn’t want to acknowledge that her words might have some truth. He’s not at all sure he and Steve would have worked if he hadn’t known all the ways they might not have.

“Why?” Steve asks from beside him. “Why on earth do you care about us?”

The witch doesn’t respond for a moment. Then she says, “Steve Rogers and Tony Stark are great men in so many worlds, but when they’re together? Those worlds are changed by how their relationship goes.” She pauses. “I think that a universe where the two of you stay on the same side might be the best one.”

Tony can barely process what she’s saying, is pretty sure she’s crazy.

Steve takes his hand. Then he says, his voice serious, “Well, you have what you wanted. Take the spell off Tony.”

She nods, smiles. “Of course.”

*

Later, when SHIELD have taken her away and they’re alone back at the tower, Tony says “She was crazy right? There’s no way us being together can make that much of a difference?”

Steve puts his arm around Tony, tugs him close. “I don’t know.” He says, “but it made a difference to me.”

“You’re a sap.” Tony tells him, even though privately, he agrees.

Steve grins, unrepentant. “Yup.” he agrees and kisses him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at starsarewishesindisguise on tumblr if you want to send a prompt my way.  
> I own none of these characters, obviously.


End file.
